Are you raising an entitled child?
This diagnostic guideline can help you know.
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
How do I know if my child is spoiled or entitled? I’m worried I might be blind to it.
Most parents are, for a very simple reason: Loving our children unconditionally makes it difficult to see them objectively.
And because it’s so easy to gloss over warts that outsiders find alienating, it’s good to have a reckoning — to take a step back and try to see our kids as others see them. Not so we can judge our own kids, but so we can evaluate our own practices and improve them.
So here’s a “diagnostic guideline” to help assess the situation. These aren’t signs you have a spoiled or entitled child; they’re signs you are a spoiling or entitling parent. Kids do have free will, and many of their most challenging traits will be hard-wired, but parents have a lot more power to shape character than they realize. That means it’s never too late to do something about it.
A preliminary note: Spoiling has nothing to do with money. The parenting practices that entitle children can occur even in impoverished homes. So having a lot might make it easier to indulge a child, but having little doesn’t preclude it.
Let’s start with two personal signs that there’s a problem:
Cringing when you’re with your children in public — Worrying what other people think of your kids’ behavior can mean their behavior is unacceptable. And even though others may laugh it off with you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking, “Wow, you must be a bad parent.” It might just mean they’re being kind.
Blaming a lot of people you’ve never met for hurting your child’s feelings — This emerges from the entitling habit of believing your child every time he claims to be a victim. Conflict is usually a two-way street, so be cautious when your child always seems to be the innocent party.
Here are some kid-centric behaviors that — when observed repeatedly — could be a sign you need to make some adjustments:
Not taking “no” for an answer — A decisive “no” should be the end of a matter, not the automatic opening of a negotiation or a meltdown.
Ignoring your instructions — When you say, “Take out the garbage,” and they don’t even flinch, you may have a problem.
Not looking at you or interrupting when you’re talking — Basic politeness starts with what parents allow. When you’re speaking to your kids, their eyes should come off their screens. And they should wait until you’re finished before responding.
Showing ingratitude — Non-entitled kids are thankful for people’s sacrifices and don’t take things for granted.
Needing bribery — By school age, kids shouldn’t require rewards for basic responsibilities like doing chores or obeying.
Whining — Watch for the physical act. It’s a drawn-out, high-pitched, nasal complaint often accompanied by fake tears, pouting, or foot stomping. It may grow into a tantrum.
Asking for things they don’t even really want — Unentitled kids learn to distinguish between asking for something they truly desire and begging as an impulse.
Being blasé about things you would have considered special — When they treat trips, candy, pets, family visits, organized sports, etc., with a shrug, reconsider how much you’ve indulged them without instilling gratitude and responsibility.
Being rude to family and friends — Constantly seeking attention from other adults (i.e. “Watch this!”, pestering, climbing on, pranking) is a bad sign. Unentitled kids don’t treat adults as peers or playthings.
How do you fix it? For the child, the answer is disciplineship — a combination of teaching and consequences. Communicate that these traits will hurt them in the long run while making it clear that there will be penalties for choosing not to improve them.
And for you? The French novelist Honoré de Balzac offered an insightful confession after recognizing entitlement in his own children: “I am guilty, and not they — but I sinned through love.”
Thus, the remedy is to love deeply and sin not. Lavish them with presence not presents, inhibition not indulgence, constraint not carte blanche, encouragement not flattery, and preparation not permissiveness.
As your practices improve over time, your child’s character should follow.
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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.
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