Beyond "good choices"

Why conscience is one of parenting’s most overlooked tools

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

How can I help my child make good choices?

There are countless ways, so keep reading my column and I’ll try to help. But the advice I’ll offer today is this: appeal to your child’s conscience.

“Make good choices” (sometimes “good decisions”) is a modern parenting incantation. It has largely replaced older phrases like “Listen to your conscience.”

In the classic children’s book Ramona the Brave, Beverly Cleary writes, “Ramona’s conscience was hurt, and a hurting conscience is the worst feeling in the world.” That line once made perfect sense to children. Today, conscience is rarely discussed.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with “Make good choices,” especially if those choices are grounded in a moral principle like the Golden Rule. Still, “Listen to your conscience” may be stronger. Here’s why.

Conscience is a guide, a compass. It’s an internal voice that tells us right from wrong. It isn’t infallible, but for children raised with a moral foundation, it’s highly reliable.

Imagine your first-grader gets in trouble for name-calling. “Let’s talk about making good choices” teaches that decisions can be good or bad.

“Listen to your conscience” does that too, but it adds something essential: it explains how and why to act.

A child told to make better choices may conclude his name-calling was bad simply because he got caught. The result was unpleasant for him, therefore the choice was bad. Conscience runs deeper. We follow it because it’s right, regardless of consequences.

Consider Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. Defending an innocent black man was, by outcome-based logic, a “bad choice.” It endangered Atticus’ career, his safety, and his children’s lives. Walking away would have been easier and safer. Yet he says the case went “to the essence of a man’s conscience.” He couldn’t abide himself if he didn’t try. “Before I can live with other folks,” he says, “I’ve got to live with myself.”

That’s the difference. “Good choices” often focus on outcomes. They require a child to think several steps ahead, predict consequences, and calculate risk. That’s a lot to ask of a six-year-old.

Conscience, by contrast, is immediate. It asks a single question: Is this right? It gives children a clear how—listen to your inner voice—and a clear why—because it points toward the good.

The “how” and “why” of making a “good choice” are murkier. Is the goal to avoid punishment? Not upset a classmate? Please a teacher? It may be all those if we’re analyzing the repercussions. Conscience cuts more cleanly. It turns a winding trail into a straight path.

“Make good choices” places children at the top of the pyramid, weighing outcomes they barely understand. Conscience puts a steadier guide in front of them. Amid thousands of competing choices, there is only one conscience.

Conscience doesn’t just prevent wrongdoing; it inspires goodness. “Make good choices” may stop a child from stealing a classmate’s sandwich. It won’t always prompt him to share his lunch with a child who forgot theirs. Conscience can.

How do you help a child develop it?

First, talk about why it matters. Conscience guides us toward a moral standard, but it isn’t the standard itself. Children want to know why they’re being led to do hard things. Explain the moral or religious principles that shape your family’s sense of right and wrong.

Second, affirm a child’s better angels. Children often rise or fall to the expectations we project. Instead of “You’re a cheater,” try, “You’re not a cheater, so why would you copy someone else’s answers?”

Third, model conscience yourself. If you snap at your child after a long day, say, “My conscience has bothered me about being rude. I’m sorry.”

Finally, fill your children’s minds with stories that strengthen their moral imagination. Opt for books and shows where characters wrestle with their conscience and choose right over wrong. Think less SpongeBob and more Little House.

“Make good choices” isn’t wrong. It’s just incomplete. A well-formed conscience is one of modern parenting’s most overlooked tools. When your child learns to listen to it, your job—and theirs—becomes a whole lot simpler.

---

Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.