Conquering tears and fears

As children grow, they need more responsibility.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

My son is having some academic struggles but he’s too shy to ask his teacher for help. I keep helping him, but it’s time-consuming. How do I sort this out?

It looks like you’ve got a few options.

Option One: Make him go in and ask the teacher for help.

I understand he doesn’t want to. But only in 21st-century TikTok America has that ever stopped parents from making their children do something they need to do.

I was scared to do plenty of important things when I was a kid. And why not? Most of us get nervous about anything new when some risk is involved. Swimming, catching a fly ball, swallowing a pill, riding a bicycle, sleeping over at a friend’s house, driving a car, asking a girl on a date—these were all things that once terrified me.

While my parents (okay, my mom) comforted me as I stepped off the various ledges of life (my dad usually pushed first and comforted later—not a bad policy for dads), they never considered telling me to lean into my fear and avoid the leap. Their message was always clear: Do it, even if you have to do it scared.

That’s a good message for kids. You don’t have to be happy or fearless, but you do have to act. That’s because cowardice, once it sets in, is hard to shake. Courage doesn’t mean the absence of fear; it means doing what’s right even when you’re scared. So whether it involves the promise of a reward or the threat of losing a privilege, since the action is vital to his short- and long-term future, you have to make him do it.

Option Two: Keep holding his hand. But if you think it’s burdensome now, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Spoiler alert: school gets a lot harder. Are you going to follow him to college and read him his calculus lessons? Bon voyage and good luck.

But maybe there’s another possibility: your child can learn on his own—he’s just never had to. You’ve been holding his hand, and in doing so, you’ve unintentionally kept him from finding his footing.

For reasons I don’t quite understand, many modern parents assume their kids are incapable of doing hard things by themselves. But tears and fears aren’t evidence of incapability. They’re not even evidence of weakness. They’re what happens when kids run into challenges. Parents make those challenges steeper when they believe in the child’s vulnerabilities more than in his strengths.

You have to start believing in your child. Like Winnie the Pooh once said, “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Sometimes believing in your child means making him stand on his own two feet, by hook or by crook.

Remember, nobody in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory thought Grandpa Joe could walk until he had a reason to get out of bed, and he was probably eighty. How much more capable is a ten-year-old boy? To find out, you have to give him a reason.

So maybe it’s time for a new agreement with your son: “I’ll answer a few quick questions, but you’re old enough now to figure most of this out yourself. You’re smart, and you have a teacher who’s willing to help you. It’s up to you to take the next step. I’m expecting you to rise to the occasion.”

It’s fine for parents to help kids understand their lessons, but kids must eventually be weaned into becoming independent learners. As your child grows, placing more responsibility on his shoulders is vital. Give him structure and time, and you’ll see self-sufficiency bloom before your eyes.

You’ll see that he really can do it—even if he has to do it scared.

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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.