Drawing a line on "Boys will be boys"

Discipline fails when parents send mixed signals.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

Our son often does things that get him into trouble. Nothing very serious like stealing or anything. It’s “boy stuff” like jumping off the roof onto the trampoline or hiding candy in his room. My husband laughs it off as “boys will be boys,” but I see it as disobedience that needs a consequence. How do we draw the line?

The line is best drawn at the bedroom door.

When you and your husband are speaking privately behind closed doors, it’s fine to admit that your son’s indiscretion probably isn’t a big deal in the long run. That’s also where you should agree on a reasonable consequence and commit to enforcing it together. A united front is essential if children are going to learn right from wrong.

Once the door opens and your son is present, however, it’s best to leave all that “boys will be boys” talk in the bedroom.

Why? Because boys will be boys — and they’ll use that information to their advantage (as will girls). If Dad delivers a consequence with a wink or a chuckle, the message to the child is that the behavior wasn’t so bad. Over time, that blurs boundaries. A child who learns that rules are flexible depending on the mood of the room will be more likely to push the limits later, confident that someone (in this case, Dad) will excuse him.

Now, it’s true that most childhood infractions aren’t very serious. A little audacity can even be healthy. The real issue isn’t the behavior itself, but the traits that lie underneath it: here, it’s disobedience and disrespect. It’s disrespectful for a child to hoard something he knows you disapprove of. And it’s blatantly disobedient to jump from a roof he’s been ordered to keep off of it.

Disrespect and disobedience are habits you don’t want taking root. A child who routinely disregards parental authority will struggle to maintain healthy relationships — not just with parents, but with teachers, peers, and eventually employers and spouses.

That’s why consequences should carry appropriate weight and why both parents must agree on that weight privately. When children see that Mom and Dad are aligned, there’s nowhere for their impulses to hide. They must either rebel outright (which most children won’t) or they must privately acknowledge that they crossed a line.

A perfect illustration appears in the movie “A Christmas Story.” In one classic scene, Ralphie is helping his father change a tire when he drops the lug nuts and blurts out an obscenity. His father freezes. “What did you say?” Ralphie dumbly stares back. The father nods. “That’s what I thought you said. Get in the car.”

As Ralphie climbs in, the camera lingers on the father — and we see him release a warm smile. He knows his son isn’t bad. He remembers making similar mistakes himself. In other words, he gets that boys will be boys.

But when the father joins the family in the car, the smile is gone. He reports what happened, Ralphie’s mother is horrified, and when they get home, Ralphie gets his mouth washed out with soap.

That’s the model.

Parents may privately recognize that a child’s misbehavior isn’t catastrophic. They may even smile at it. But children don’t need to be in on the joke. They need to see that their impulsive behavior is treated seriously.

The most difficult children I teach are kids who’ve been taught that their sassy, self-indulgent, and mischievous behavior is adorable. Adoring parents may think so, but the rest of the world doesn’t agree. Those of us outside the home can more clearly see that the underlying traits are, in fact, quite ugly.

So when you and your spouse are in that bedroom, think of this: Yes, boys will be boys — but it’s your responsibility to turn your bad boy into a good man.

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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.