Honesty is such a lonely word

Why confession should mitigate a child's punishment.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

My son was part of some roughhousing that broke a class fishbowl. The teacher asked those responsible to come forward, but nobody did. Eventually, my son felt guilty and confessed his role in it. He was sent to the principal for punishment, which was fair. Later, the other three boys were also found out and received the same punishment. I was surprised that their punishment wasn’t harsher since they didn’t admit to it. Am I wrong?

No. When it comes to punishment, there can always be mitigating circumstances. Confession might be the strongest mitigator of all.

Confession helps everyone. If a thief confesses to stealing, it saves police and prosecutors days of investigation. That’s time and money that can be diverted to other meaningful tasks.

It’s also true in schools. The teacher doesn’t have time to spare finding who was responsible for breaking a fishbowl. She has lessons to teach.

Likewise, principals have countless responsibilities. When a principal gets home and is asked, “What did you do all day?” none will feel great about saying, “I tracked down the boys who broke a fishbowl.” There are bigger hurdles to clear in American education.

Confession helps innocent students, too. Now Ms. Smith can focus on crafting better lessons for them. Furthermore, it’s exhausting and demoralizing for Ms. Smith to work so hard building a foundation of trust and respect, only to discover some students have disregarded it. When students break her rules with impunity and without remorse, it’s deeply disrespectful to her personally.

But confession has the power to restore the teacher’s faith in her students—maybe even human nature—because it reflects integrity, which heals relationships and strengthens individuals. This makes her a better, more trusting, and more joyful teacher. All students benefit from that.

But perhaps the person who benefits the most from confession is the confessor. True, a child might confess simply because he knows he’s about to get caught and hopes for a more lenient punishment. Even so, the pride-swallowing action still helps the teacher, principal, and class.

But when the confessor’s heart is in the right place—when he feels the weight of guilt and wants to clear his conscience by doing the right thing—it speaks volumes about the child’s character. The easy moral shortcut is to keep your mouth shut and avoid a lot of trouble. But a confessor’s heart says, “The only way out of this is through the truth, regardless of the consequences.” That attitude is so uncommonly virtuous that we should do whatever we can to encourage it, including issuing a lesser penalty.

One big part of punishment is teaching kids that they were responsible for the problem. But a child who confesses has already accepted responsibility. Since he’s already internalized a powerful part of the penalty, it isn’t necessary to impose its full force upon him.

That doesn’t mean the penalty should be wiped away, which would send the message that a confession is a “get out of jail free card.” But some moderation is judicious. It sends all the right messages to the student and his classmates.

Without that moderation, schools may be encouraging the student to lie.

In this case, for example, one boy was truthful, and three lied. But the reward for telling the truth was the same as the penalty for lying. And lying carried a potential benefit: if the other boys had not been caught, they would have escaped punishment entirely. It’s easy to see, then, how next time, we might have four liars.

What should you do about it? Talk with your child, but don’t tell him he was “wronged” by not being granted extenuation. Instead, affirm that he received a just consequence for a bad action. But reaffirm that he did the right thing by confessing, explain why it was good, and praise his decision.

The test of a child’s character isn’t whether he avoids mistakes. We’re all imperfect, and we all err. The real test is how he handles the transgressions. Your son handled his well and deserves your admiration.

---

Special July Offer

My new book, Three Nieces, a heartwarming, coming-of-age novel about a family’s summer on Sullivan’s Island in 1967 is available in paperback, hardback, and ebook on Amazon.com. It’s the ideal summer beach or poolside read.

BUT, throughout July, the ebook will be half price (only $1.99) only on Smashwords!

And if you want a special autographed copy, you can order it directly from my website.

Thank you for supporting me! And if you enjoy the novel, please help me by leaving a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

---

Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.