Originally published in the Moultrie News.
We indulged our child who is now in seventh grade. We’re now trying to rectify the situation. What advice would you give?
When I was a kid, we had an above-ground pool. During the offseason, the water became green with algae. To fix it, we had to “shock” the pool — superchlorinate it at once to get it back to a manageable state.
If your adolescent child has developed a sense of entitlement, you might do something similar: make bold, fresh changes rather than trying to correct the problem gradually. As the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
One advantage is that your child is old enough to reason with, so the “shock” begins with a family discussion about why changes are necessary. Be humble. If your child is spoiled, it’s your fault, so there’s no point in blaming anyone else. Accept responsibility and express regret, exactly as you would hope your child would do when he’s made a big mistake.
Be aware that “shocking” the pool is only the first step to cleaning the water. It must be maintained. This isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a commitment to change in at least four phases.
Phase one is moving from entitlements to earnings. “Entitlement” is the feeling that one has a right to whatever one wishes without having to earn it. Combatting that means doing the opposite: making kids work for privileges.
This requires separating needs from wants. Kids need shoes, and you should provide them. But they don’t need $150 branded sneakers, and if that’s what they want, let them earn it. Phone upgrades, new clothes when the old ones are fine, money for outings with friends — these aren’t needs like food and housing. They’re wants, extras and luxuries. They should no longer appear on demand, but be acquired through work, good grades and saving.
Phase two is recalibrating priorities. Spoiled kids usually have them out of whack. Get them back in order by making them put family and work before play. This generally means eating and spending time together as a phone-free family. It can also mean homework and chores before video games and Snapchat.
One priority consistent with unspoiled kids is expressing thankfulness, so seize opportunities to instill gratitude. Have kids start saying “please” and “thank you.” Make them write thank-you notes; they can start with general messages to those whose help may have been taken for granted, like teachers, coaches, grandparents and doctors. This will help kids think about why they should feel grateful.
Phase three is giving children meaningful responsibilities. This is tough in a modern world where machines do our dishes, laundry and vacuuming, so don’t dismiss the idea of pulling the plug on some of those devices. Then ensure that everyone in the family has responsibilities in maintaining the household. Lay off the landscapers and care for the yard together. Doing the washing, cooking and cleaning yourselves can help the whole family undergo an entitlement detox.
Phase four is to stop solving problems they can solve themselves. Resign as their lawyer and agent. When there’s a problem at school, coach them to take care of it. Stop emailing teachers on their behalf and let them do it. Stop micromanaging their affairs and help them start handling their own business.
There will be pushback. Depending on how advanced the entitlement is, the backlash could be explosive. Once you’ve had your “shock” family conversation, resist the urge to give up, argue or overexplain. A simple reminder about why we’re doing this is enough. If they choose to rage, let them rage in private. Without an audience, the eruptions should subside.
Remind them continually that you love them and that you aren’t doing this to them. You’re doing it for them. That’s vital for spoiled kids who sometimes mistake privileges and possessions for love.
It will take time, but it will be worth it. The murky waters of a spoiled childhood can become remarkably clear once the “shock” of change becomes routine.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.