The line between love and hate
What do you do when your child says "I hate you"?
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
My 12-year-old has shouted “I hate you” so many times that I’m starting to feel like it’s true. Each time we enforce discipline, she says she doesn’t love us and that we’ve taken everything away from her. However, we’ve been consistently loving to her all her life. What can help?
As a parent, it’s difficult to imagine much worse than having your child say she hates you, so you have my sympathy. Sadly, I’m hearing it’s happening a lot more often.
That’s ironic in an age when parents are giving their children more than ever—and when “gentle parenting” has granted them unprecedented levels of power and impunity.
Or maybe it isn’t ironic at all. Since gentle parents seem to be most victimized by their children’s harsh insults, it may reveal an inverse relationship between indulging children and being loved by them in a natural, healthy way. When parents give kids whatever makes them happy, all parents receive in return is increased expectation. Fail to meet their demands, and the result can be explosive. If that describes your home, the remedy should be apparent—it’s time to change course.
But if it doesn’t describe your family—if you do set boundaries, limit consumption, act consistently, and parent with reasonable authority—then there’s a lot more to consider about those three hurtful words.
First, take heart that she probably doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t say it when you tuck her into bed. She says it in response to discipline. Children are impulsive and emotional. When you take away something they’ve grown attached to—and possibly addicted to, like a phone or video game—they can blow up in ways that feel like true hate to whoever’s standing in their way. But when the emotional storm passes, you’ll usually find them calm and regretful. That’s when you can talk with them about love, frustration, and the right way to manage disappointment.
You can build a foundation for such discussions by establishing clear family expectations. When my children were little, we had one family rule: don’t do anything that shows we don’t love each other. Saying “I hate you” would be a clear violation. It’s deeply disrespectful and should be addressed with disciplineship—conversation plus consequences.
“I hate you” could be manipulation, an attempt to get you to reverse course by provoking guilt. She knows it hurts you, and she may think you’ll be tempted to avoid the pain by giving in.
Many bad traits, like vindictiveness, come naturally, so it could also be her emotions telling her that if you’ve hurt her, she should hurt you back—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Thus, hard as it is, don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you; it’s about her struggling to cope with disappointment using one of childhood’s least attractive defense mechanisms: the tantrum.
Tantrums, spitefulness, and manipulation can all take root and grow into truly awful adult traits. So don’t get sidetracked by the shock and pain of the words. Rather, look past their sting and address the flaws beneath them. That means reminding yourself, often, that your response can’t be about your feelings; it has to be about your child’s character. A thoughtful conversation with your spouse about how to respond consistently is essential to that process.
It also means not taking the bait. Avoid anger, tears, and debate in the moment. Any strong reaction will only reinforce her vicious behavior. Send her to her room, let her cool off privately, and when the storm subsides, have the discussion.
Finally, don’t fall into the trap of trying to earn her love. True love can’t be cultivated with bribery, flattery, or indulgence—especially not in children.
Instead, focus on being a good parent: praise when it’s warranted, discipline when necessary, offer affection freely, and do what is right. Accomplish that, and your daughter will love and respect you, outbursts notwithstanding. She isn’t finished growing yet. With time, steadiness, and love, these eruptions will fade, and maturity will come sooner than you think.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.