The myth of the perfect child

Playing the blame game doesn't change reality.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

I’m thinking about removing my son from his school. The school system doesn’t know how to handle gifted children. He’s highly intelligent, but bored, so his grades don’t reflect his abilities. He’s a great critical thinker and teachers get annoyed when he questions their outdated practices. He’s a great kid, but some teachers have put a target on him so he can’t do anything right. Should I pull him out or try to work with them?

I’m not saying you’re there, but you may be getting dangerously close to the trap of blaming a child’s flaws on those trying to help him. You’re certainly close enough to be wary.

Consider how unlikely it is that a child is so gifted, talented, intelligent, and mature, yet his grades are bad, and people don’t like him. Such accomplished children rarely produce such negative results.

So either your school is indeed a rat’s nest of incompetence, or your child’s qualities aren’t as airtight as you may perceive.

That’s not to say things are black and white. You’re right that the system struggles to educate gifted children; it struggles to educate everybody. It’s a flawed system, but it will still work for your child if you hold him accountable and support those striving to teach him. So let’s dig deeper into that side of the equation, starting with why you (or any parent) may be misjudging your child’s elite traits.

For one, the near-perfect child is a parental myth. Children are humans, and humans universally have flaws. That doesn’t mean some kids aren’t close, but they’re the exceptions — and they never, in my experience, produce the outcomes you’ve described.

The only reason a teacher might target them would be as an example for other kids to follow. That’s because the best kids treat others with the utmost respect. They obey the rules, offer to help, and show gratitude. They would never openly criticize a teacher.

Truly good kids also don’t underachieve. I’m not suggesting they don’t get B’s, C’s, and sometimes D’s. They do — because being a good person and being an A student aren’t tightly linked. Intelligence is a trait that’s neither good nor bad, like being fast or tall. It might be advantageous, but it’s not morally superior.

The best students achieve according to their abilities and work ethic. They work hard, regardless of the grade. Any teacher would rather have a child who struggles to learn, but is motivated to improve versus one who has all the intelligence in the world and blithely lets it go to waste because, in his view, the teacher’s lessons are “boring” or “outdated.”

In truth, all the traits you mention positively are neither positive nor negative. They’re just traits that people value, like gold — but, also like gold, they’re not a measure of the child’s character. That emerges when we see what the child does with his gold. How does he invest and spend it?

A child’s critical thinking skills are for naught if he’s squandering them on criticizing his teachers. His intelligence is useless if he isn’t investing it in his education. And his personality is no asset at all if the people who’ve selflessly dedicated their lives to helping others can’t stand him.

No child is flawless. They’re all capable at least sometimes of stretching the truth, being lazy, or acting selfishly. If you find yourself constantly defending their rectitude while condemning everyone else, consider it a red flag. A good quarterback doesn’t blame his cheerleaders.

Therefore, to paraphrase a famous educator, it would be better to try to address the log in your child’s eye than to tweeze out the splinters in others’.

So should you pull him out or try to work with his teachers? Maybe the answer is neither. Try keeping him there and working with him. Help him change his negative outcomes. Don’t search for a world that matches his skill set. Change him so he can bloom no matter where he’s planted.

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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.