When sympathy backfires

Don't let today’s pity open the door to tomorrow’s tragedy.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

Should a child’s background be considered when facing school discipline?

Yes, most educators agree it should. Where we sometimes disagree is on when and how it should be regarded during the disciplinary process.

Many principals apply it at the punitive stage — always to soften the consequence, and often out of pity.

For example, Eddie has thrown glue sticks at classmates for the fourth time today. After three strikes, the teacher refers him to the principal. The principal knows Eddie is one of six children, his father is in prison, his mother is overwhelmed, and the family lives in poverty.

It’s a heartbreaking situation, so the principal responds with sympathy. He speaks to Eddie gently, walks with him, tells him jokes, gives him some candy, and sends him back to class 15 minutes later — without a single negative consequence.

Simple, neat — and wrong. The error in this approach becomes clear the next day when Eddie throws an entire box of glue sticks.

Pity isn’t always the motivator behind such scenarios. Sometimes it’s virtue signaling: Many principals judge teachers harshly for sending students out and see themselves as children’s “saviors.” Sometimes it’s laziness: Detentions, phone calls, and paperwork take time. Often it’s just bad judgment: Candy, jokes, attention from a powerful person, and a break from class encourage misbehavior — they don’t deter it.

Ultimately, however, the principal's motivations are irrelevant. What’s important is the outcome: What becomes of the child?

Eddie’s history is horrible, but what should concern us more is his future. Will he one day rise above his tragic situation, or will he recycle it? While most kids grow out of hurting others, some grow into it. And in Eddie’s case — with his father already in prison — we should be very worried about his emerging character.

The best way to help kids avoid misbehavior is to teach them to think before acting. Behavior experts agree that consistent, appropriate consequences provide an effective path to that end by creating a clear connection between the bad behavior and its negative consequence. This helps the child learn to modify such behavior in the future.

By withholding consequences, the principal hasn’t helped Eddie — he’s pushed Eddie toward fulfilling the darkest prophecies of his background.

So what, then, is the principal (or teacher, or parent) supposed to do? Where does sympathy, support, and counseling come in?

Many teachers support what I call “disciplineship,” which is simply the recognition that correcting bad behavior is a two-pronged process.

One part is the consequence: detention, suspension, work detail, loss of privilege — whatever fits the infraction. To be effective, however, punishment must be timely, consistent, predictable, and fair. It should also be progressive, growing more restrictive as bad behaviors escalate.

To be just, there must be a uniform penalty for glue-stick throwing, not a harsh one for most kids and a lighter one for those we like better or feel sorry for. We don’t punish children — we punish behaviors.

The other part is the counseling. This is where we talk with the child one-on-one. We help him understand what he did was wrong, why it was wrong and where his current path may lead him.

It’s also where we show empathy: “I know you’ve got it tough, Eddie, and I’m so, so sorry. But I want something better for you, and you won’t get there by hurting people.” Instead of reducing or removing the consequence, we help the child understand it: “I know a week of detention isn’t fun, but it’s what you need to grow right now. I hope it helps you see there’s a better way.”

The consequence phase should be basically the same for every child. The counseling phase should reflect the child’s unique background.

No candy is needed. No strolls down the hall. Just truth, encouragement and authentic care.

To make this work, we must take the long view. We cannot let today’s pity open the door to tomorrow’s tragedy. Consequences are not about punishment for its own sake. They’re about shaping behavior in a way that prevents lifelong disasters.

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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.