Appeasement isn't parenting
From bookbags to toothpaste, keep your eyes on two goals.
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
My kindergartner refuses to carry his backpack. I’ve tried every style, but nothing works. How do I get him to carry it?
Older readers may be thinking, “This isn’t a real question.” I assure you it is.
“Well, it has to be a rare, isolated problem.” I assure you it isn’t.
I recently talked to a kindergarten teacher who said in her school, several parents carry their kids’ bookbags for them. The parents also go into class and put the child’s belongings into their cubby.
What madness is this?
The problem isn’t just bookbags. A friend was at the dentist a few weeks ago and overheard the mother of a small child say, “I need you to convince him to use toothpaste. He absolutely hates it.”
“What have you been using?” the dentist asked. “Just water,” the mother said.
I need some water myself.
Later, in the same office, a child was running around, making noise, and bothering people in the waiting area. His mother allowed him to cause chaos until the ruckus grew too great to ignore. Then she told him, “Come here and look at my phone.”
The child ran into her lap and quietly started swiping.
Judge not, lest ye be judged. Has your child ever thrown a tantrum, so you just gave him what he wanted? Has your child ever said he didn’t like what’s for dinner, so you made him something else? Has your child ever refused to sleep in her own bed, so you let her sleep with you?
Teachers see it too often: when parents can’t get their child to do what needs to be done, the parents let the child do what the child will tolerate.
That isn’t parenting. It’s appeasement. And it does not earn you any victories.
Obviously, extenuating circumstances can lead to exceptions, but in general, appeasing your child is a formula for failure. It leads to your child becoming whiny, selfish, helpless, and entitled.
That’s because you are rewarding their fickle feelings. You are training them to expect that their superficial complaints will be met with indulgence.74
If seeing spoiled kids makes you roll your eyes and think, “Kids today are different than they used to be,” you are dead wrong. Kids are the same now as they have always been. If they can avoid carrying an unwanted bookbag or brushing their teeth, they will. That’s not new.
Adults, on the other hand, have changed a lot. In the past, a child’s tastes were not consulted: he ate what was cooked for him or he did not eat.
Neither did parents allow a child to do only what the child would agreeably tolerate: the child was trained to tolerate what he did not agree with, lest the child himself become intolerable.
How did parents accomplish such sorcery? Through a fairly simple recipe.
Say your child doesn’t want to carry his book bag. The formula might go something like this:
Explain why he needs to. Even young kids need to understand that responsibilities aren’t arbitrary.
If he refuses, sternly warn, “You will do it, whether you like it or not.”
If he still refuses, warn that a consequence is coming. Make it a tough one, because the transgression here isn’t bookbag intolerance; it’s disobedience, which—like lying, violence, and disrespect—can irreparably harm a child’s character, so it warrants a strict penalty.
If he still refuses, issue the consequence. Spanking has been traditionally effective, and many parents still use it, but if you’re not a proponent, try taking away toys or something else of value—but whatever you say you’re going to do, you must do.
That works on most kids. If it does not work on yours, you may need an exorcist.
By the way, the entire sequence should last under a minute. Do not engage in an extended negotiation. And always keep your eye on two goals: immediate and long-term.
Immediate: the child carries his own book bag.
Long-term: the child grows into a resilient, unselfish adult.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.