Assessing FAFO parenting
Can it help you raise your kids?
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
I heard about FAFO parenting on a podcast recently. Your thoughts?
Social media is like the Pied Piper if you consider him from the river’s point of view — it dumps a lot of rats onto us. It has delivered such rodents as Lawnmower, Gentle, and Attachment parenting.
But every now and then, it brings us a nice prairie dog. FAFO parenting is among the welcome rodents.
FAFO stands for “Fool Around and Find Out” (sort of. Adjust the spelling of that first word, and you’ll have it). According to Parents.com, it’s a parenting style that “essentially allows kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions without getting too involved.” You might remember it from your childhood when it was called by a different name: parenting.
If you tell a child to put on his jacket before going outside, but he doesn’t want to, what do you do? Force him to wear it? Reward him for putting it on? Bend down and explain why mummy knows best? FAFO parenting says, “Fine, don’t put it on, but you’ll freeze.” Then let him freeze. Eventually, he’ll swallow his pride and come back to get his jacket.
This teaches the child two valuable lessons: one, you’ll freeze without a jacket when it’s cold. Two, mummy knows best.
FAFO parenting says it’s good not to belabor lesson two. While parents may enjoy dunking on their kids, there’s no need to rub their faces in their cocky mistakes. Just let the natural consequences do their work.
Another good example: it’s lunchtime, but your child claims he’s not hungry (and he’s in the middle of a video game). FAFO parents don’t force the child to eat, nor do they arrange meal time to cater to the child’s habits. The child skips that meal. Then, of course, he gets hungry and whines for a snack. Too bad. He fooled around and found out what happens to boys who don’t eat when it’s time to eat.
I support this strategy because I find that the kids of parents who utilize it are smarter, more responsible, less impulsive, and better behaved. The outcomes speak for themselves.
There are, of course, some caveats. FAFO doesn’t work with everything. Sometimes you have to impose your own consequences.
Cursing is a good example. Potty-mouthed children generally don’t suffer immediate natural consequences. What natural consequence would you even threaten? “With language like that, no one will ever elect you President?" I don’t think so. In that case, you need synthetic consequences like loss of privileges or, if you’re really old-school, a mouthful of Lifebuoy soap.
There are also times when the natural consequences are too severe to let nature take its course, and you have to forbid the misbehavior altogether. You don’t want to put your hands on your hips, shake your head, and look down at your bleeding child, saying, “I told you not to jump off the roof with those scissors.”
Another stipulation: Don’t overlook the importance of the warning. Teach kids first. Tell them it’s wrong to pull the cat’s tail before you let them FAFO why.
Finally, a word of warning to FAFO parents about school: You will not always find an ally in your child’s teacher. Today’s schools trend toward FAWGYSCTFI (Fool Around and We’ll Give You Several Chances to Fix It). Some FAFO teachers let kids fool around and find out what happens to kids who turn in work late or neglect to study — they get bad grades. But many modern teachers extend due dates and allow test retakes to better suit kids’ bad habits.
FAFO parents need to understand this to avoid a significant pitfall that develops when kids fool around and find out they were right — like when they renounce their jacket and the sun comes out, or they skip Mom’s lunch and Dad gives them a bag of chips. Those occurrences can entrench kids in their hubris.
So be careful when you say things like: “If you don’t get off that phone and study your math, you’re going to fail that test tomorrow.” Your child’s teacher might beg to differ.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.