Babying your child is a mistake
Indulging your child today snatches something more important from him tomorrow.
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
I keep telling my spouse to stop babying our 11-year-old. Every time he whines, she gives in. Anytime he claims he doesn’t understand something, she contacts the teacher. Whenever she tells him to do something, he ignores her, and she does nothing. Can you please tell her she’s making a mistake?
With the intention to help, not judge, I agree: it’s a mistake. Psychologists John and Linda Friel make this plain in their classic book The 7 Worst Things (Good) Parents Do, which lists “babying your child” number one.
The Friels cite a study showing that when mothers shielded children from upsetting experiences, the children were hounded by fears (today, we might call them anxieties) as they grew older. Children whose mothers gradually exposed them to and encouraged them to manage normal struggles grew up to be much less fearful.
Most of us probably don’t need that affirmation. We know instinctively that for kids to grow up strong and independent, they must learn to manage adverse experiences, overcome disappointment, obey inconvenient rules, and fulfill unwelcome obligations. Even babying parents probably know that, but their natural affection for the child surrounds the knowledge in a fog. When the fog comes, remind yourself that, sometimes, one has to be cruel to be kind.
That means gradually letting your child manage struggles at school. It’s one thing to contact the teacher on behalf of a first grader. It’s another to still be doing it at age 11. Teach your child to advocate for himself. If he doesn’t practice it as a child, how will he know how to do it as an adult? You can always step in if necessary, but you shouldn’t be the first line of defense. You’re the child’s parent, not his lawyer. Your obligation to him is much bigger than settling the problem of the missing five points on his science quiz.
It’s a similar case with whining. Giving in to it will have negative effects when the child becomes an adult. Which is more likely to entice a promotion from the boss — hard work or a tantrum? And what kind of spouse will surrender to a childish tizzy every time there’s conflict? Being part of a family means you don’t always get your way. Does indulging a child’s whining teach him that?
If you find yourself continually giving in to whining, try reframing your perspective. Don’t think of it as a choice between the child’s gratification or disappointment. Think of it as an opportunity for valuable life experiences. Parenting specialist Dr. Sylvia Rimm explains, “Because they are kind and caring and the children’s symptoms of power (tears and requests for pity) are very persuasive, parents and teachers continue to protect them, unintentionally stealing from them their opportunities to cope with challenges.” Indulging your child today snatches something more important from him tomorrow.
Setting the right course can occur as early as infancy. According to the Friels, through the first year of life, a baby’s needs should be met consistently so the child learns to trust his environment and learn that he’s going to be okay. But from 12 to 18 months, it’s also important for some of the child’s needs not to be met immediately. The waiting teaches children two crucial things: 1. They are distinct from the people caring for them. 2. They can’t always get what they want.
Failing to learn those fundamentals can devastate the child’s long-term success. They’ll view others (teachers, spouses, friends) as extensions of themselves, providing the needs they don’t feel like earning. They’ll expect to have their demands met, and when that doesn’t happen, they’ll either shut down or become insufferable.
Babying your child ensures that he will always, in some way, remain a baby. And since there are too many adult babies in the world as it is, teaching your children to be resilient and self-sufficient will increase a thousandfold their chances for success in school, career, marriage, and life in general.
For anyone who truly loves their child, that’s a wonderful gift to provide.
Read the original column here.