False solutions to real problems
Lessons from a tragedy
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
Such a terrible tragedy in Georgia where a student killed four people at his high school. I’m thinking about the shooter’s parents. It looks like they made a lot of mistakes. Any takeaways in this tragedy for all of us trying to raise kids the right way?
Since the unspeakable event, details have emerged that can serve as a helpful warning to all parents, even those with “good” kids who would never dream of physically hurting someone else. The killer’s parents seem to have made the kind of serious mistakes that teachers see on a smaller level every day. Mercifully, such decisions rarely end in bloodshed, but they can still hurt others.
The most alarming detail is that the shooter’s father apparently gifted his son the deadly weapon just a few months after the FBI told him the child may have threatened to commit a school shooting.
Parents should act on good counsel. I’ve sat in hundreds of conferences where teachers have warned parents about their children’s detrimental behavior, yet the parents fail to act or act unreasonably. For example, if teachers say the child isn’t studying or doing homework, parents should intercede. In my experience, however, less than half do anything other than lecture the child when report cards come out. Like many teachers, I offer parents specific, tested methods that usually remedy the problem, yet only about 10 percent of parents actually employ them. Simultaneously, they reward their children with smartphones and video games, which are often the source of the apathy to begin with.
Obviously, the damage this inflicts doesn’t rise close to that of a school shooting, but what it lacks in deadliness, it possesses in prevalence. When an apathetic child declines to learn, it absorbs resources that should go to those who need them. Special classes have to be developed to reach lazy students. Teachers must craft alternate lessons to try to get the gamers up to speed. Entire curricula are watered down to accommodate nonworking children. As a result, the kids who are doing things right pay the price.
According to news reports, the killer’s father indicated he gave his child a gun for two reasons. One is that he was getting picked on at school.
Never mind the horrific problem-solving skills this suggests; it also reflects a common reaction when parents are confronted with their children’s bad behavior: delusion, excuse-making, and blame-shifting. In today’s environment, parents regularly accuse the teacher of “targeting” their child or excuse the behavior due to “personality conflicts.” They place the blame on ADHD or other students.
This self-serving denial empowers children to continually sabotage the educational process. Feeling constantly under siege is a key factor driving teachers out of the classroom. Those who bear the brunt of all this are the innocent students who show up to learn.
Reports indicate the father’s second reason for giving his child the gun was to get him away from video games.
Many parents refuse to be the bad guy, but sometimes you must do what’s right for your children, no matter how angry it makes them. If parents want a child to play fewer video games, then take away the video games or ration them more reasonably — don’t devise a solution (like handing over a gun) that creates a worse problem.
Yet to avoid unwanted conflict, many parents try to fix problems with worse solutions all the time. If they worry their child may drink or do drugs, they throw parties at their own homes to supervise the illicit acts. If their child is struggling in school, they enlist 504s or IEPs that entrench the child’s bad habits into accommodations. Such false solutions exacerbate the problems and spill over onto other children.
Parenting is a paradox: kids are very forgiving of our shortfalls, but when it comes to the important things, there’s little room for error. Wisdom, restraint, humility, and critical thinking must be used at all times. When they aren’t, the consequences for children—and often for the innocent bystanders who inhabit their world—can be catastrophic in more ways than one.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.