Small problem, big consequences
Preschool warnings are worth taking seriously.
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
The teachers say my less than four-year-old son is having trouble in preschool with moving from one task to the next. They have to tell him a few times before he does it, but he always does it. I think they’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is. Isn’t this age-appropriate behavior? My friends are saying I should pull him from the school.
No offense to your friends, but that would be a gross overreaction. The teachers are simply telling you there’s a problem with your child. Leaving the school won’t solve it. If the mechanic says your car needs a new starter, you might search around for a cheaper fix, but a fix you will need to find.
And a fix is what you are in.
Let’s start here: You suggest this problem isn’t a big deal because he’s not even four years old. But what would you think is a big deal for a child that age? Being able to transition with minimal friction seems like a developmentally appropriate expectation.
Since this age is outside my area of expertise, I consulted actual preschool teachers. Their verdict was that when preschool teachers raise a concern, it’s almost always more significant than how they present it to parents to avoid panicking them.
This is generally true of all teachers. If they take the time to report a concern to you—rolling the dice that you’ll not turn it back on them—the problem is substantial.
A rule of thumb among doctors is that however many drinks a patient tells you they have in a week, double it. I can modify that for teachers and parents: if a teacher tells you a student’s behavior is a problem, double the size of that problem. “Talks in class” means “Never shuts up.” “Having trouble with transitions” could very well mean “Has meltdowns.”
In preschool, this tendency is undoubtedly magnified because virtually every three-and-a-half-year-old has some kind of behavioral challenge. The teachers, however, are trained to improve them. If they’re taking the time to inform you, you can generally trust it’s an atypical problem. And they’re not trying to annoy you. They’re asking for your help.
Thus, a healthy response in this situation would be to help the child. You are his parent. He is ultimately your responsibility. If you transfer him to a new school, the problem will surely follow him.
In fact, I manage middle school students who deal poorly with transitions. When that problem follows them into adulthood, they may one day lose a job by ignoring the responsibilities they don’t like and only focusing on those they do. Here are some ways you can help avoid that potential future:
1. Manage transitions at home. Make clear, simple rules with clear, simple consequences. For example, “If I have to tell you twice, I’m taking your favorite toy.” Making it more uncomfortable for him to do it the wrong way than the right way is crucial.
2. Don’t be defensive; be inquisitive. Rather than brushing off the teachers as overreactive, utilize their expertise. Ask them what advice they have for changing the child’s habits and follow through. Ask them how his behavior contrasts with classmates and why they think your son is different.
3. Work together. Work with your spouse to develop a plan. Work with the teacher to track your child’s weekly progress. Work with the child by praising his improvement.
Perhaps the true spirit of your question is, “Look, the kid isn’t beating up his classmates or cursing out teachers (some do), so in the grand scheme, this is a small problem.” If so, you are absolutely correct.
So look at the bright side: small problems generally require small solutions. With a good plan, a united front, and persistence, you can have this problem licked in just a few weeks with a lifetime of positive repercussions. That’s an excellent return on a small investment.
On the other hand, choosing to withdraw, turn a blind eye, or shift blame can turn a small deficiency into a lifelong flaw.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.