The lowdown on teacher conferences
How can parents ensure conferences are positive and productive?
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
Whenever I have a conference with teachers about my child, it never seems to go well. Can you offer some tips on how parents can ensure that teacher conferences are productive?
I would be happy to. In my career, I’ve seen conferences run the gamut. The best have resulted in making things better for everyone. The worst have ended with police intervention. Here are some pointers to help ensure yours ends up on the positive end of the spectrum.
First, be punctual. Teachers only have a small window during the day for conferences, and that time includes planning lessons, grading papers, and eating lunch. Delaying the start time even a little can wreck a teacher’s schedule or seriously curtail your face time with that teacher.
By the same token, don’t overstay your welcome. It’s rare for a conference to require longer than 20 minutes. If you find yourself reminiscing about the time tender little Charlie burped his baby sister, it might be time to say farewell. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be personable, of course. Just temper your congeniality with an eye for time.
Don’t accuse. This goes for life, too. Judge people (yes, teachers are people) by their best intentions. Articulate the problem, not the blame. Say, “I’m concerned about Charlie’s grades,” not, “Your class is too hard.” Say, “How can we get Charlie to behave better?” not, “You’re targeting my son.” Let’s be honest; if teachers were allowed to play the blame game like that, parents would never set foot in a conference. And if your aim is to get the teacher to help your child, remember that you catch more bees with honey than vinegar.
Take to heart what my fourth-grade teacher taught me: God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak. Make sure you actually listen to what the teacher is saying. Take notes if you like. Teachers see a very different side of your child, and their insight can be vital to helping you solve any problems. Also, be sure to read between the lines. Few teachers will say your child is an intolerable menace; they’ll use ameliorative language to sugarcoat it for you, so if they say something’s bad, it’s probably worse.
Don’t beat yourself up. Many parents walk away from conferences thinking they’re utter failures. Hey, listen: We’re all failures when it comes to parenting because no one’s yet come up with an algorithm that gets it right every time. So don’t take negative information about your child personally. Listen to the teacher’s advice and walk away resolved to improve.
On that note, don’t be afraid to ask for guidance from the teacher, the school counselor, or both. Yes, people judge us when we screw up as parents, but people don’t judge us for trying to get better. However, if you think you can come up with the answers by yourself, you’re probably wrong.
Try to keep the focus on the child. Any course of action that requires you or the teacher to work harder at learning than the child does is undoubtedly a dead end.
Should you bring your child to the conference? Ask the teacher in advance if it will help. Should you tip the teacher? In spirit, yes. In reality, no, as it might look like a bribe.
Tell the truth. Teachers know when parents are lying. “He never does this at home.” “We discipline him for this all the time.” “He studies for hours every night.” We know when such statements are spoken in good faith and when they’re being scooped with a shovel. Honesty is always the best policy.
It’s always nice to follow up a conference with a kind email or thank you note. Above all, try to keep your relationship with the teacher warm and positive. You both, after all, have the same goal. If the relationship grows hostile, your child will be the one who suffers the most.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.