The mechanics of overindulgence, part 2

Soft Structure is created by “pushover parents."

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

How can parents know when they’re overindulging their children? This was last week's question, which launched a discussion of the three types of overindulgence, as categorized by the late parent expert Jean Illsey Clarke and her team of researchers. The first was “Too Much.” The second is called “Soft Structure.”

Soft Structure’s base is “pushover parents.” Rules in their homes range from super squishy to nonexistent. The few rules in place are unevenly enforced, if at all.

What kinds of childhood behaviors might you see in a home of Soft Structure? No bedtimes. Talking back to parents. Pajamas all day. Tantrums. Phones used whenever, wherever. Jumping on the furniture. No responsibilities.

Teachers usually know when Soft Structure kids are in their classroom. They’re prone to get up and wander. They’re often unprepared. They have difficulty following basic classroom rules. They seem to be disproportionately diagnosed with ADHD.

Their parents often tell you that the child does “better” when the teacher isn't so “strict” or structured. What they really mean, of course, is that the child has no experience under those conditions — conditions that are quite common for successful teachers attempting to educate 30 children at once.

Soft Structure parents often intervene when they perceive their child is in distress. I say “perceive” because kids can get really good at feigning distress once they learn it's their “Get out of Jail Free” card for avoiding challenges. That’s bad because they’ll immediately have to unlearn it in the real world. Giving kids room to work through problems teaches them persistence and self-reliance.

Just as our bodies need strong bones to live vigorously, not gelatinous goop, children require firm structure to thrive. While firm structure may sound to some like a torture chamber of rigid regulations, all it really means, according to Clarke, is reasonable rules that are consistently enforced. That's the simple antivenin to Soft Structure.

Encouraging proficiency also helps. If a job is to be done, it should be done well. Parents should discourage shortcuts and sloppy effort. That’s why requiring kids to do chores — properly — is necessary. It teaches them the responsibility that a chore-less childhood lacks.

Firm structure means that standards should be consistent: Good manners should be used at every table, not just Grandma's. Children shouldn't be permitted to interrupt anyone’s conversations, even their parents’.

Enforcing rules is essential. Constantly nagging kids to get off their phones, be home by curfew or do their homework is fruitless unless there are reasonable consequences for their willful disobedience.

Firm structure has innumerable benefits. It makes life more predictable and gives children the security they need to grow straight, like young plants in a pot with stakes. Over time, it helps children learn meaningful independence and empowers them with good boundaries.

Adults raised under Soft Structure can suffer a range of negative outcomes. They may fail to learn how to take responsibility for their obligations. They can exhibit ungratefulness, develop a sense of entitlement, and act as if they’re more important than others. They struggle to set strong social and personal boundaries.

There are many reasons why parents fall into the trap of Soft Structure. The simplest cause is that it's easier. Enforcing rules, especially in the face of whining, is a headache. Parents who find conflict intolerable often resort to Soft Structure as a means of avoiding it. Many parents want to be best friends with their kids; having to be the bad cop works against that goal.

That last reason is significant because the core error of Soft Structure is thinking that parenting is about us, the parents, not the child. When our aim is to be adored, we’re apt to overindulge children with a lack of structure. Remember that we’re parents, not social media influencers. We’re not gathering Likes; we’re building lives. We can’t do that effectively if we’re fixed on our own feelings. We have to do what’s right for our children, even when it stings.

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Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.