The mechanics of overindulgence, part 1

"Too Much" has many dangers.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

My children have encountered a few small issues at school, likely because my spouse and I have been too indulgent. We were both spoiled in our childhoods, making it challenging to recognize when we're making the same mistakes with our children. Additionally, knowing the appropriate amount of indulgence in today's consumer-driven society is difficult. What help can you offer parents like us who want to change but aren’t even sure how?

Plaudits to you for recognizing the problem. It may help to learn more about the ways parents spoil their kids. The late parenting expert Jean Illsley Clark and her fellow researchers believed there are three types of overindulgence. Over the next few weeks, we’ll discuss each, starting with “Too Much.”

Too Much reflects the stereotypical spoiled child whose parents buy them everything they want. As children, their toyboxes teem. As adolescents, they always have the latest trends.

Anytime a child says, “I want it,” or, “My friends have it,” parents are vulnerable to overindulging. Money (I’ve seen adolescents with unlimited credit cards and open tabs at restaurants), clothes (multiple pairs of $200 sneakers are common), video games (with the latest consoles), sports, screens, freedom, privileges, and input on important family matters can all be overindulged. And once it starts, it’s difficult to stop, even when kids become adults, which may be why 62% of kids expect their parents to cover the cost of any college they wish to attend, according to Psychology Today.

One way to know if you’re giving Too Much is to examine how your kids treat past indulgences. If the toybox is crammed with broken or neglected items and the garage littered with abandoned equipment, you’re probably overdoing it.

Another way is to consider that indulgences should advance kids, not hinder things they need. A bicycle, for instance, should induce physical exercise, not preclude it — so your kid probably doesn’t need that expensive e-bike.  

Too Much has many dangers. It leads to the constant expansion of children’s appetites — the more they get, the more they want. They never learn to manage what they already possess, resulting in an attitude of disposability. They never learn to cope with situations in which they don’t get their way. They struggle to know when enough is enough, leading to obesity and addiction. These are all serious threats to the child’s long-term happiness.

Overindulgent parents often complain about what they give their kids. “They have too many toys,” they’ll say, as if someone else let their kids have them. In middle school, parents will say, “Their skirts are way too short,” while teachers are thinking, “You bought them, dummy.”

Such statements reveal that deep down, parents know they’re being overindulgent and that it’s not good for their kids. Yet they fail to stop themselves for a variety of reasons: They don’t want to see their children’s desires unfulfilled. They don’t want their kids to feel “different” from peers. Or they feel that parents who say “no” are insufficiently adored by their kids.

But these feelings are not to be trusted. Children may be unhappy when they don’t get what they want — but learning to manage disappointment is a much better gift than the latest iPhone. No one wants their kids to feel left out — but being a delicious apple left out of a spoiled bushel is a reward that can’t be overvalued. And if you’re trying to get your kids to love you by buying them things, you’ll never succeed — all you’ll get in return is increased expectations.  

When you're tempted to overindulge, try replacing the indulgence with something more consequential, like time together as a family. Saying, “Instead of buying you a new lacrosse stick, let’s go outside and try to get better with the old one,” can take your child a lot further than a new stick. In this way, resisting the urge to give Too Much of the things that don’t matter will lead to an abundance of the things that do.

---

Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.