The pitfalls of forbidden independence

Kids are capable of much more than many adults believe.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

My son's teacher praised him for being so independent, mentioning that many of her other students require a lot of help even with basic tasks. She calls it “learned helplessness.” So, what does that really mean, and how is it impacting our kids?

Researchers identified the phenomenon of learned helplessness in a 1967 study involving dogs. In the experiment, dogs subjected to an uncontrollable electric shock later received other adverse stimuli without resistance. In other words, they accepted their difficulties without fighting back.

In education, learned helplessness can occur when kids believe they’re powerless to achieve, so they give up. If the math seems hard, they wait for help. They don't engage in the mental wrestling necessary to complete a challenge. They become victims of problems, not solvers.

Interestingly, scientists have determined that such helplessness isn’t learned at all; it’s innate. We're born helpless, then trained not to be. So when misguided adults don’t permit children to learn that they’re capable of overcoming struggles, it might be better called “forbidden independence.”

A good example comes from educator Ayo Jones. It happened at Taco Bell on a trip with special education students. Due to a cognitive condition, one student couldn’t cut up his food to feed himself. Jones made him wait until she assisted the other students. Later, she was shocked to find the boy had prepared his own food and was eating just fine. Jones said she felt “a big sucker on my forehead. We were doing everything for a student who could do it themselves. For years.”

Kids are capable of much more than many adults believe. Jones’ student could have been feeding himself all along, but he was forced to remain dependent — until he got hungry enough to revolt.

Learned helplessness often starts with parental helicoptering. When kids don’t have to make decisions or manage negative circumstances — when they aren't permitted free play, their schedules are mapped out to the minute, they don’t have to do chores, their desires are always met, and every project they undertake comes with adult intervention — they never learn that they have the power to solve problems and improve conditions.

Schools are guilty, too. They jump to the conclusion that kids “can’t” do something simply because they “don’t.” In response, teachers dilute expectations to oblige the weakest students. They have kids continually work in groups, making them reliant on others to complete tasks. Schools pass nonworkers to the next level without consequence, rewarding their helplessness.

They offer extensive assistance to struggling students, leading children to believe that someone will always rescue them from failure. In aggregate, such practices can ingrain dependence, which is why the harder schools work to accommodate the most “helpless” students, the farther their students fall behind.

The most egregious school offender is special education. Learned helplessness in kids with mild intellectual impairments isn't an unfortunate accident — it’s usually the long-range plan. Among the things I’ve heard adults say their ADHD child absolutely “can’t” do and therefore must be accommodated: take notes, follow directions, write within the margins, be nice, and read.

I’ve found, however, that when you believe in the child and expect that they can, they do. This is true for students of all stripes. Winnie the Pooh once said: “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” This is the attitude kids need to hear from adults, and it entails encouraging them to challenge their deficiencies, not surrender to them. Sometimes you find that they physically can’t. That’s fine. They’re still better off for having faced the challenge.

When kids with learned helplessness become adults, they’re often paralyzed with anxiety because they can’t handle freedom. This can result in what psychologists call Adult Entitled Dependence where adult children “fail to launch”: they lack interest in college or careers, remain dependent on their parents, and suffer depression.

The parental instinct has always been to teach our young to fly and push them out of the nest. Somewhere along the way, we’ve been persuaded that the instinct is wrong. If we don’t reverse course, eagles will become extinct and our nests will be overrun with dodos.

---

Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.