Unnecessary confrontations and same-page parenting

These two ideas can help struggling parents.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

I fuss at my stepson a lot about his bad grades. I try to hold him accountable by taking his video game until all his homework is done, but his father feels sorry for him and gives it back. This makes the boy ignore anything I say because he knows I can’t do anything about it. I love him as if he were my own, but I’m not the biological parent, and I can’t override my husband. Advice?

I can think of two things that may help.

One: your husband needs to understand the importance of a united front. Imagine a duet where each singer is using a different sheet of music. The result is unlikely to be pleasing to the ear. In parenting, your music is the child, so it’s critical that parents are singing from the same songbook.

Of course, parents can always have differing perspectives; they needn’t be in lockstep on every issue. But when it comes to the character of the child, the values being instilled, and the behaviors that are expected, there must be unity. Otherwise, the child will mainly learn the fine art of exploiting weaknesses to get what he wants.

That means if one of you says, “No video games,” the other says, “Amen.” If there’s disagreement, you can discuss it in private, but you can’t undermine each other to the child.

Being the stepmother, you’re obviously in a delicate situation. It may help for the three of you to develop a behavior contract that you all agree to, something like, “If the report card has anything lower than a C, no video games until the grades come up.” When everyone has an explicit stake in the plan, the likelihood of unity swells.

Two: as a young teacher, I had to learn to avoid confrontations in which I could not control the outcome. This can also help you.

The relationship between parent and child (like teacher and student) is not on a level plane like peer-to-peer. Parents and teachers have an obligation to instruct and train their kids. This naturally involves discipline, which requires the child to have a high degree of respect for your values, boundaries, and, ultimately, you. To sustain that respect, you can’t go around losing showdowns.

That’s why it’s important for teachers and parents never to issue warnings they can’t back up. Hollow threats will castrate your authority with willful kids faster than anything else.

I would not tell a student, “If you continue to disobey me, you’re going to be suspended,” because suspending a child isn’t up to me. It’s up to a principal, and they don’t care what consequence you promised a child; they’re going to do what they want. They might suspend the child, or they might not. They might even give the child candy or not see the child at all. When that happens, it provides the child with a surge of impudence directly hewn out of his respect for you.

So when the tools of discipline are out of your hands, yet you’re still obligated to try to instill it, confine yourself to what you can control. For me, this means clearly telling the child what he is doing wrong, why it is wrong, what is right, and why it is right. I make no promises I cannot fulfill.

This applies to your situation. Though you love your stepson like he were your own, you admit the family dynamic does not extend to your disciplining him like he was yours. If you can’t get your husband on board with a united front, then I suggest simply teaching your child what’s right and letting the chips fall where they may. This will also help preserve your relationship with him, which will far outlast his school troubles, so keep your eyes on the bigger prize here.

Finally, you might remind your husband that it’s perfectly natural to feel bad about punishing a child. No decent parent feels otherwise. However, when it’s necessary, it’s necessary, and consistently indulging one’s pity in the moment will result in a far more pitiable set of circumstances down the road.