When a parent is dying

Having a dying parent is one of the most fearful things a child can endure.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

I learned that my cancer has spread. I am dying. The doctors think maybe a year. How do I help my children through this difficult period?

I am sorry to hear this. You and your family have my deepest sympathy.

It’s heartbreaking for everyone in the family when a parent dies. Sadly, it’s not as rare as you might think. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that 4.3 percent of children ages 0-17 will lose at least one parent. That’s one in every class I teach.

I was one of those children. My mother died of cancer when I was in middle school. I’m not a counselor, but I can offer you what helped or could have helped me during those anguishing six months.

If your kids are old enough to understand, keep them involved in the medical process. I wanted all the information I could get about my mother’s diagnosis and treatment. I didn’t like it when I had to listen for snippets of adult conversations to learn what was going on. Keep children as educated as possible.

Talk to them about their future. As my mother lay dying, I clung to her every word. When she said she wanted me to grow up to be a good person, I took it to heart. Talking about the future also gave me a glimmering sense of hope, reminding me there would be life after the tragedy and that somehow my mother would still be a part of it.

Encourage them to maintain good work habits. Chores and homework should still be done, and school should be attended. You can expect a drop in grades and focus, but maintaining those habits is therapeutic. When you’re concentrating on mopping or math, you’re not dwelling on the looming loss. It’s also difficult to return to good habits once they’ve been severed, so keep them close.

Spending quality time with the family is vital, but also let kids know it’s okay to continue in extracurricular activities and be with friends. They need these things to help them cope and develop, and doing it with your blessing helps them avoid feeling guilty about being away from you.

That said, it’s also important to allow them to cope in their own way. If they indicate a desire to be alone for a while, don’t assume they’re descending into depression, and don’t force them into social situations. Listen to their cues.

I went into more of a shell during my mother’s illness, but some kids act out. Don’t just excuse their behavior. Talk with them about how it brings more stress on the family. This can be an opportunity for them to learn the value of grace under pressure.

Open communication is essential. Ask them how they’re doing, but don’t force it out of them. Share with them what will happen when all is said and done so they know they will be cared for; that’s especially important for younger kids.

The American Cancer Society makes two excellent suggestions that I can vouch for. One: consider involving people at your child’s school. It would have helped me to know that teachers were aware of what was happening and were there for me if I needed them. As it was, they didn’t know until after my mother had died.

Two: spiritual and religious beliefs may help comfort children. The Sunday after my mother passed, my father made me go to church with him. I thought he was joking; we’d never been to church before. But he wasn’t kidding. There I found a loving group of people and learned about a God who loved me and had everything under control. These things rescued me from a dark depression by giving me comfort and meaning. I can only imagine how they would have helped if I’d had them throughout that lonely journey of letting go.

Having a dying parent is one of the most fearful things a child can endure. Do not think that your efforts to shield the child from pain will come to any effect. There is no way around it; you can only help guide the child through it. There is no “right” way to do this except to do it in love.

Read the original column here.