When should parents intervene?
Failing to teach children to adapt to adverse circumstances can have crippling consequences in adulthood.
Originally published in the Moultrie News.
My child's teacher is tougher than last year's, and he's struggling to meet her expectations. How do I know when to intervene and when to let him adapt?
To help him long-term, let him adapt.
Teachers see it every day. The kids most likely to succeed are those whose parents help them overcome challenges by giving them room to adjust their behavior. These kids are also mentally healthier than those whose parents try to adapt the world to their child rather than vice versa. Psychotherapist Amy Morin explains, “Mentally strong kids understand that change can help them grow into an even stronger person, even though it might not feel that way at first.”
I estimate that 70% of my interactions with parents involve them intervening for their child when training them to adapt would be a better decision. Even when adaptation is as simple as more study or better focus to fend off low grades, many parents will resort to extreme interventions, like paying a tutor or seeking a federal 504 plan.
More common interventions include pursuing special privileges, demanding schedule changes to be closer to friends or farther from disliked teachers, or seeking relief from disciplinary consequences. These interferences are usually predicated on weak excuses that will improve on their own if the child is required to adapt to the undesirable situation.
Real danger occurs when the interventions become a pattern. Failing to teach children to adapt to adverse circumstances can have crippling consequences in adulthood. Traits of those with interventionist parents may include:
Underdevelopment—They don't mature as quickly because adapting to adversity fosters growth. Example: the spouse who lets their partner do all the work and bear all the responsibility.
An escape mentality—When they meet adversity, they quit. Example: the person who moves from job to job because they always have an intolerable boss or co-worker.
Fragility—When things don’t go their way, they break down. Example: Someone who cries, throws a tantrum, or shuts down when small changes don’t meet their approval.
Unpreparedness—Since parents manage their troubles privately, they only “see” that the problem has magically vanished, so they never learn to prepare for adversity. Example: Someone who spends all their money without investing for the future.
Malingering—When kids learn that sympathy for their minor complaints opens gates to an easier path, they make up conditions to get what they want. Example: the employee constantly missing work or arriving late for dubious reasons.
Manipulation—Kids acquire this skill by learning the soft spots that spark their parents’ intervention. Example: the spouse who always spins their flaws into their partner’s shortcomings.
Laziness—Overcoming challenges is hard; most people naturally seek easier recourses. Erasing obstacles rather than strengthening kids to get over them makes kids lazy. Example: the adult child who never gets a real job and still lives at home.
Entitlement—seeing they can get their way when others don't instills a privileged mindset. Example: the pushy person (driver, coworker, customer, etc.) who believes the rules don't apply to them.
But here’s the good news: teaching kids to adapt reverses these qualities.
Kids coached to change habits instead of changing teachers—that is, those taught to learn from consequences rather than dodge them—have a better chance to thrive as adults. They learn to work hard, practice humility, cooperate, prepare for challenges, and accept responsibility.
That’s because adaptation is power. People who can change in response to problems possess the power to solve them. But the power must be nourished, and parents who unnecessarily intervene subtract opportunities to develop it. What children don't use, they lose.
Is it ever okay to intervene? Of course, especially whenever the child is truly powerless. Examples might include when they’re being bullied or when a class’s behavior is so disruptive they can’t learn.
Unnecessary intervention is an invisible demon. It does its damage right under our noses while we believe we’re helping. Exorcising it requires trust that kids who fall can rise again stronger and wiser than before.
Consider this your intervention.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books, or follow him on social media, please visit JodyStallings.com.