Why are younger adults so sensitive to criticism?

Schools and parents help shoulder the blame.

Originally published in the Moultrie News.

The younger adults in my workplace are too sensitive to criticism. They go into a shell and sometimes cry when the supervisor corrects them, and I have to tell them it’s no big deal. My teenage kids in school are starting to act the same way. Some of this is schools’ fault because kids are punished for breaking small rules, and the demands for high grades are great. Do you agree?

I agree that kids are becoming more sensitive to criticism, but I disagree with your reasons.

Most districts across the nation are going in the opposite direction of punishment and high demands. In many schools, student conduct is so bad they don’t bother punishing “small rules” like profanity or dress code offenses. They wag a finger and carry on. Punishment for big things is also declining due to disciplinary practices that treat behavior as if it’s out of the student’s control.

What’s increased is parent sensitivity to the few consequences that remain. When kids are given even symbolic warnings, like frowny faces or demerits, many parents react as if the student has been falsely accused of a felony or needs a psychological evaluation.

If you think that latter point sounds crazy, think again. For even the smallest consequences, it’s not uncommon for parents to demand a meeting to investigate what factors are causing their heretofore pristine child to misbehave.

Schools are sometimes complicit in catastrophizing typical child misbehavior. Among the first interventions recommended for classroom rule breakers is a visit to the school counselor. A counselor. For things like talking too much. If it happens too often, the child may be recommended for a medical 504 plan. Seriously.

Overreacting to misbehavior in this way has consequences. It may cause children to view ordinary teacher correction as an indication of a grave personal defect — and not one the child can fix, but one the world must accommodate. When that child is later criticized for a slip-up at work, he’s apt to feel he’s being criticized for something a lot more serious than a simple mistake.

The same is true of grades. Grading is less stressful than ever. Repeated studies show that grade inflation is real. The unfortunate educational trend is toward open-note tests, retaking or correcting failed tests, and submitting late work without penalty.

These policies lead directly to the sensitivity you’re referring to. From day one, kids with a glimmer of aptitude are handed a stream of 100s, for which they are praised by grade-conscious parents and teachers. But when the grading eventually gets tougher, and the praise threatens to dry up, kids may pressure themselves to keep the impossibly high grades coming, viewing anything less as a failure of character.

Frequently, parents ask me how they can help their child because he or she “has never struggled like this before.” When I check their grades, I find they have a B or low A.

This doesn’t constitute “struggling.” Hard-earned A’s and B’s should be praised, not probed. When they aren’t, the message to the child is that anything less than near-total perfection is intolerable. It’s no wonder that criticism is difficult to absorb when this has been your life.

I must be clear that these scenarios don’t exist for all students. Some parents don’t care at all about grades or behavior. Their kids are going to have problems, too, though accepting criticism usually isn’t one of them. Using it is.

The antidote for this state of affairs is to get back to basics. Keep grades and behavior in their proper perspective. Give kids room to make mistakes. Overpraising children for high grades can make them neurotic perfectionists. Praise their good decisions more than their perfect GPA.

With behavior, set high expectations and hold your child —not the world — accountable for maintaining them. Talking in class is not an indication of a neurodevelopmental disorder. When the child is chastised for it, let the chastisement do its work.

Overall, don’t try to shield or immunize your child from correction. Exposure helps them learn and cope with criticism, just like a few scabs help us stand up stronger and make us less sensitive to later scrapes.

Read the original column here.